Technical Sgt Payton Krieger (Call Sign: Pain)
Resistance Training Specialist
It will be discovered, at some point in the future, that Payton Krieger possessed the XYY chromosome. This means that his body was creating twice the testosterone of a normal male. It also would explain why his arms were the diameter of a normal man’s leg, his sloping brow, thick forehead, square jaw and of course – his violent tendencies. Everyone agreed, if you were going into a situation were violence was assured… bring Pain.
Bullwinkle’s was a wonderful little dive, off the main road, and would allow patrons to purchase hard liquor by the bottle to take back to their table. Payton’s team was already about two-hours into their drinking, and everyone at the table was having a grand time, telling stories of their adventures (and misadventures) over the past month. Payton was silent, a usually state of being for him, and was indulging in his favorite libation – Jack Daniels.
Everyone at the table was having such a good time; nobody noticed when Randall had stumbled off to the men’s room. The same was true with his return and more importantly, nobody noticed all the commotion revolving around an incident that recently occurred in the lavatory.
The table Payton’s team had chosen was located right on the dance floor (really just planks partially covered with hay) and provided easy access (and egress) from all directions. That is of course until the table (and his team) was surrounded by a saloon full of cowboys (the police report and hospital records will identify 18 of them… but those are just the ones that were recorded, and I don’t want to get ahead of myself… so I digress).
Now one would think that 6 men surrounded by 18+ men would feel scared, nervous or perhaps even concerned. But one would have to consider (besides the amount of alcohol they had consumed) who those 6 men were (or at least who one of them was). You see, they had Payton Krieger. Payton was a man who could bench press 300 pounds without a strain, a man that opened walnuts by clenching them in his fists, and a man who would break bottles of beer over his head for recreation (this last part is of greatest importance). Payton felt that intimidation was vital to instill in his foes prior to engagement. And nothing says, “You are messing with the wrong fellow” like shattering a bottle over your own head.
The team felt confident with Payton at their side. As Payton grabbed a bottle from the table and waved it by its neck, his team knew he was about to show everyone his signature move. Payton announced in his most daunting voice, “You boys are in for a world of hurt” and then, with an abundance of testosterone powered might, smashed the bottle against his brow. Payton was confused by the expression on everyone’s face as he gazed around. Some looked confused; many were standing there with their mouths wide open. As he gazed around he noticed that he couldn’t control the “around” his gaze was taking him and it accelerated into a spin… he remembers seeing the floor rushing up towards him.
Payton (and members of his team) learned an important lesson in physics that moment. The bottle Payton grabbed was the one he was nursing all evening, a bottle of Jack Daniels. Apparently the fine people at the Jack Daniel’s Distilling Company had made a remarkably sturdy bottle - a square bottle with very thick glass on the edges. Physics will show that a round bottle (like most beer bottles), when sufficient force is applied to its outside wall, will shatter - while a square bottle would require significantly more force. A lesson we will all remember.
Don’t believe what you read in the Ada County News, you are about to hear what really happened next…
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